Ben & Jerry's Tier List

 Hello friends! I hope you liked last week's post about my opinions because today, I've got... another post of my opinions. This time, on ice cream.

Ben & Jerry's is an iconic brand of decadent ice cream. I was bored on a recent afternoon, so I decided to place every flavor listed on the Ben & Jerry's website onto a tier list.

For those unfamiliar with the Street Fighter inspired tier list, it's mostly letter grade logic (A is the best, F is the worst), but with an additional category of S for Superior and SS for Super Superior (I don't know if that's what it actually stands for, but it is what it means).

Now, some of these flavors I haven't had. I was not prepared to spend $50 or more and exhaustively search every store in the region to track down every single unsampled flavor, so I made an educated guess based on the description.

This post is NOT sponsored by Ben & Jerry's.

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And now, without further ado, I present you with Ben & Jerry's A-Z (or A-V, really):

Americone Dream: S Tier

Yes, Mr. Colbert, please make me a patriot with your waffle cone.

Cannoli: C Tier

I mean, cannolis are fine, I guess, but those Italian shells just don’t do it like Mr. Colbert’s all-American waffle cone.

Caramel Chocolate Cheesecake: A Tier

Yum, yum, give me soooooooommmmmme.

Cherry Garcia: C Tier

This flavor in theory sounds pretty good, and since it’s my parents’ favorite flavor, I’m inclined to give it some sentimentality points, but from what I remember of it, the skin on the cherries is a little tough to ignore.

Chewy Gooey Cookie: C Tier

I’ve never had this flavor, but based on the description, I’m a bit skeeved out by the coconut ice cream being a prominent flavor. However, the good folks and B&J’s claim “you don’t have to be a coconut fan to fall in love with this flavor,” so the jury’s out, I suppose.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: C Tier

I just think cookies should be baked.

Chocolate Fudge Brownie: A Tier

I love chocolate, yum yum yum yum, plus according to Ben and/or Jerry, the brownies are sourced from Greyston Bakery in New York, “where producing great baked goods is part of their greater-good mission to provide jobs and training to low-income city residents.” Now, that’s a brownie I can get behind.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Split: A Tier

Chocolate peanut butter chocolate, baybee. And no whole nuts! A special thing for anything referencing banana splits.

Chocolate Therapy: A Tier

You can put pudding in ice cream? Hell yeah.

Chubby Hubby: B Tier

Like, I’m sure it’s good, but things swirled in vanilla don’t tend to get me excited.

Chunky Monkey: F Tier

Take your stinking walnuts off of me, you damn dirty ape.

Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz!: C Tier

The only chocolate-covered espresso beans I’ve ever had were Starbucks’ burnt ass beans that I mostly associated with sweeping off the floor, so it was weird to taste it in my mouth. But maybe B&J have something better going for them. I’ll probably never find out because I don’t eat ice cream in the morning, and I don’t generally drink coffee after like 11 AM.

Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch: C Tier

What is toffee? I’ll probably never find out because I don’t eat ice cream in the morning, and I don’t generally drink coffee after like 11 AM.

Dublin Mudslide: S Tier

I LOVE IRISH CREAM AND CHOCOLATE. GO AHEAD AND FUCK ME UP COFFEE FUDGE SWIRLS; I DON’T NEED TO SLEEP TONIGHT ANYWAY.

Everything But The…: F Tier

What is toffee? I’ll probably never find out because I hate whole almonds in my ice cream.

Gimme S’more!: B Tier

I love s’mores, so this sounds appealing, but the idea of toasted marshmallow ice cream instead of just marshmallow swirl sounds like it might kill me.

Glampfire Trail Mix: F Tier

Can y’all just go ahead and lose your box of fudge-covered almonds?

Go-To Cold Brew: C Tier

Caramel coffee isn’t my favorite thing, so this is definitely not worth staying up all night for.

Half Baked: C Tier

I just think cookies should be baked.

Milk & Cookies: S Tier

Hell yes, all these cookies are baked.

Mint Chocolate Chance: A Tier

I want to love the classic flavor of mint chocolate chip. However, my biggest complaint is twofold: the chips are a weird texture usually from being frozen and the mint-to-chocolate ratio is out of whack. However, substituting chips with brownies nicely solves one of the greatest ice cream-related problems plaguing mankind up to this point.

Mint Chocolate Cookie: S Tier

I thought the last flavor was going to win the Nobel Peace Prize for Culinary Contributions to Society, but damn if this one didn’t one up it. Peppermint ice cream instead of normal mint? Chocolate sandwich cookies? Please accept my undying gratitude in addition to your peace prize.

Minter Wonderland: SS Tier

EVERYONE, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND PLEASE PAY HOMAGE TO OUR LORD AND SAVIOR: HIS DARK CHOCOLATE MINT ICE CREAM WAS BROKEN ON THE CROSS FOR YOU AND HIS MARSHMALLOW AND CHOCOLATE COOKIE SWIRLS CLEANSE US OF OUR SINS. THE POWER AND THE GLORY FOREVER, AND EVER. AMEN.

Netflix & Chilll’d: B Tier

This seems fine.

New York Super Fudge Chunk: F Tier

You mean to tell me that you put pecans, walnuts, and those damn fudge-covered almonds in this ice cream, and you still want me to eat it?

Oat of This Swirled: B Tier

I’m honestly torn with whether this is B or C tier because I’m sure it’s delicious, but I’m not sure I would ever pick it. But maybe if I were in a different mood.

Peanut Butter Cup: B Tier

Honestly, my feelings on this one are exactly the same as the oat one above.

Peanut Butter Half Baked: ????

I’m not sure whether my maxim about cookies being baked applies to peanut butter cookies.

Peanut Butter World: A Tier

This one sounds bomb-ass.

Phish Food: S Tier

Chocolate, check. Marshmallow, check. Cute little candies, check. 1970’s aesthetic, check. Sentimentality, check. A portion of Phish’s royalties from the flavor goes toward environmental efforts in Vermont’s Lake Champlain watershed, check.

Pistachio Pistachio: F Tier

I wanna like this one so badly because I love pistachio flavor, but there are so many goddamn unpleasantly textured nuts in here. I even bought this flavor and picked out all the pistachios one time because I wanted the smooth pistachio ice cream flavor, but that was nuts. (ba dum tsh)

Pumpkin Cheesecake: B Tier

I like pumpkin and I like cheesecake, but this flavor feels underwhelming somehow.

Salted Caramel Almond: ?????

I generally am not a big fan of vanilla bean, salted caramel doesn’t get me excited, and you know how I feel about whole nuts, but the thing is, these nuts aren’t whole. These almonds are slivered, and I wonder if that would make all the difference?

Strawberry Cheesecake: B Tier

Probably delicious, but could use some chocolate.

The Tonight Dough: C Tier

I just think Jimmy Fallon should be baked.

Totally Unbaked: C Tier

You’re just rubbing it in now. Look, I was joking about Mr. Fallon; I’m sure he’s a great guy.

Vanilla: C Tier

I’m sure this is fine.

Vanilla Caramel Fudge: B Tier

I’m sure this is good.

If you're not craving ice cream by now, then you never will. I know I am, and it's only 8 AM. Maybe it's time to try one of those coffee flavors...

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