Star Wars Episode V: The Rape-y One (real title: Return of the Jedi? The Empire Strikes Back? One or the other. Definitely not New Hope, I know for a FACT that’s the fourth one)
The gang are fighting fascists in a wintry landscape on the planet Hoth. There are big tanks on comically long legs called ATATs. Luke is in a little fighter jet that conveniently has a cable rope ejector, so he is able to circle the ATATs with the cable, tripping them as it tightens around their knees.
Later, after a flying motorbike race through the woods, Han and Luke discuss who has dibs on Leia at a party.
Then Luke and R2D2 head off into a swamp for Luke’s pilgrimage to a Jedi master. They crash, and Luke is annoyed. R2D2 is mischievously undismayed. A little troll creature starts mocking them, and Luke is even more frustrated by his unpleasant predicament. Unfortunately for Luke and fortunately for decades of merchandising, this little creature- best described as a cross between a teenage mutant ninja turtle and a house elf- is the object of Luke’s quest, the galaxy-renowned Jedi master who trained Obi Wan Ben Kenobi. This ornery goblin is no other than Yoda himself.
Luke undertakes a grueling and humiliating apprenticeship under the obnoxious giggling creature. Despite his unimpressive appearance and unlikability (I know this is a hot take, but if you really think you would enjoy being talked to the way Yoda talks to Luke, then you can fight me in the Denny’s parking lot). He comes to appreciate Yoda’s wisdom and even grows affectionate for his eccentric ways. But then Yoda dies in his cute little cubby house. Luke is devastated, which I imagine is starting to feel familiar to the poor boy.
Later, Han corners Leia in a narrow hallway and unsettlingly observes that she’s shivering. He then forces himself upon her. A relationship that has not aged well in the decades since this movie’s production ensues. And you wonder why their son is a sociopath… but that’s a story for another trilogy.
The gang show up at Lando’s driveway. He convivially welcomes them and they settle down for a hang out. But then! Cops raid the place! And the deepest treachery: Lando was the one who called them. Since he’s Han’s friend, and birds of a feather flock together, that means that he actually has little integrity and was enticed to sell them out to Boba Fett the bounty hunter who takes them to Jabba the Hutt.
Jabba is amused by his new acquisition: Han and Leia. Luke got away, I guess. Or he wasn’t at Lando’s house? And the robots I think are with Luke?
But yeah, Jabba freezes Han in carbonite or something which turns him into a perpetually screaming statue. Leia, unlike me, is not amused because she seems to find Han tolerable, even desirable at this point. Stockholm syndrome, I guess? Or daddy issues because… you know. Well, you don’t, that’s not until the next movie, I think.
The end!!
Coming up: “Luke, I am your father.” and the beginning of a decades-long tradition of relying on Palpatine as the main villain
Thanks for reading Episode V: Lisa Strikes Back, Or Return of the Upsettingly Wrong Star Wars Synopsis!
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