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Lisa Doesn't Actually Know Basic Cultural Information: Part 3, Episode 6

 Put on your space seatbelts, folks, and prepare to be as disappointed in me as Alex, who I believe may have questioned our engagement after reading this one. She asked, pleaded me, in fact, to search my memory for something, anything more about the original finale to the crowning achievement of science fiction cinema, but this is it, baby. Star Wars Episode 6: The One Where Barely Anything Happens, Apparently. Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Luke realizes he must save Leia, and probably Han while he’s at it. He crashes Jabba’s house party, but then gets captured himself. Luckily, he is able to use all his Yoda-given training to win an arena-style fight that Jabba put him up to for the entertainment of his guests. Leia, who is dressed like the Star Wars centerfold edition, is rescued by Luke’s daring heroics, and they also get Han back somehow.

With his found family back together, Luke realizes it’s time to face his final objective: fight Darth Vader and win the space war for democracy!

They smuggle him into Darth Vader’s ship where Luke has an epic confrontation. He puts up a good fight at first, but is soon overpowered by Darth Vader’s skill and bolder colored light saber. Luke dangles over a precipice and Vader utters what is perhaps the most famous line in cinematic history.

“Luke, I am your father.”

Or something along those lines.

Luke screams, his face contorting with rage and horror, “NO! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”

Darth Vader, not winning any father of the year awards, cuts Luke’s hand off to send him plummeting to the depths below.

Somehow Luke survives because 1) the light saber instantly cauterized the wound, so blood loss was no issue and 2) Luke landed on some pillows or something? I don’t know why the fall doesn’t injure him.

Then Luke makes his way to fight Darth Vader again, this time in Emperor Palpatine’s throne room. Palpatine enjoys the fight and encourages Luke. Luke wins, killing Darth Vader, who is raptured to heaven to stand on the right side of Ben, the Jedi Almighty. Palpatine realizes that Luke means fucking business and starts shooting lightning out of his fingertips.

Luke wins, I guess, I don’t really remember. At some point, he found out that Leia was his sister, so he goes back to watch Han and Leia’s wedding or something probably.

Also, everyone gets medals for their bravery! The movie ends with an awards ceremony.

The end…. Or is it?

Yep, that's it. I exhausted almost everything else I remembered about the Star Wars original trilogy in the other two movies. Was I correct to do that? Based on Alex's response, I suspect not.

What other pop culture should I put under the chopping block? Comment below to let me know! Also subscribe to my email newsletter for post notifications and life updates. Plus, check out my new Tumblr!

Until next time, may the Force be with You!

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